You will never understand your own heart.

Why don't I understand myself? Why am I such a paradox? Is anyone else this way?

I am a mystery to myself. I pursue my dreams, I achieve them, and it feels like my life is falling to pieces.

I know I should exercise, but I don't. I know I should eat healthily, but I rarely do.

Each time I embark on a process of personal development, it goes well for a couple of days, then it all falls to pieces.

There are things I'd love to do with my life, but I procrastinate on them.

I want to be a writer, but I hate the kind of writing I have to do to earn money. I think most ways of earning money are dirty (i.e. exploiting other people or the environment), yet even the "clean" ways (such as working for the charity or the government) rely on dirty ways of earning money.

Prayer and meditation help me connect with God, and I like that, but I rarely can be bothered.

I know hanging out with other people makes me feel good, but I often just avoid people. I get lost inside myself. I can be very insular.

I want to buy ethical things, but often I don't.

I want to get on with my work, but I struggle to focus.

Sometimes I love life. Other times (quite often) I just want to escape. I want to hibernate until everything is better again.

Why am I such a mystery to myself? Why am I such a paradox? 

I can't even thing of the proper way to write this question. Why am I such a paradox/mystery/mess?

Is this the same with you too?